Wow I am SO bloated! Oxalates, and fibre. I started eating sauerruben with every meal so that's bound to be causing bloating. I need to get my gut use to different foods. Even those that go on (the dreaded) raw food diet find that they bloat at the beginning because their bodies aren't use to raw foods. The body adapts. And mine will too.

I really do believe this is oxalate related though. My digestion is always shocking when dumping. I have red patches on my fingers again. My head is fuzzy. I have work tonight. Arghh.

mm well I give up on the rice I tired yesterday. It sat in my gut like a brick and I stopped dumping. Literally felt like glue slugging it's way through my intestines. It was medium grain. I will try 1 last time with basmati (less starchy) and if that gives me problems then I'll forget the idea.

The main reason I'm bringing in rice is because I need another energy source in my diet. I can't have sugars, potatoes, peas or butternut pumpkin (binges & FODMAPS). I can't digest fat when I'm dumping oxalates, and eating too much meat generates more oxalates! 

Once the oxalate issue is over, I'll ditch the rice. But, if the rice is shit, I'll push through with the fats and just have to deal with fewer calories for a time. 

I'm going to enquire with Great Plains Lab about getting a Pyruloria test done with my OAT. Hopefully I can get it shipped out and then send them both together since I already have the OAT waiting.

Mum got back from over East today. We talked about dad's anger and drinking. It is getting quite bad and neither of us is sure what to do. I might use some of my college's free counselling sessions and ask the counsellor for some advice. 

Gosh I love my college course! I got 85% in my first essay, 10% above class average! I'm really not looking forward to getting the marks back for my second assignment for a different unit. The lecturer is strict and a very hard marker. Apparently he annihilated a lot of our assignments.. I think I am one of them. I didn't show him  any drafts. Just did it and hoped for the best. But when he was talking about the faults he found in them I was thinking 'I did that and that…and that'.

Oh well, it is all a learning experience and I can only get better. I will definitely be showing him Part B of this assignment for him to go through before submission. I really want to do well.

Well I just ate rice for the first time in almost 2 years. It feels like there is a brick sitting in my gut and it's distended & bloated. Hmm to prepare myself for the rice this is what I did-

• last night I put 1 cup in a bowl with de-chlorinated water and 2 T of lemon juice
• this morning I rinsed it, put it in a saucepan with 2 slices of ginger and a few leaves of rosemary, and used the absorption method to cook it
• I ate it with 50g organic beef mince, 2 T organic tallow, sea salt, a few slices of swede and turnip, 2 T of turnip/lemon kraut juice, all my usual supps + 2 trienza enzymes caps

It is VERY hard to say if this uncomfortable feeling is partly caused by dumping. My head is getting fuzzy and last night I was dumping too. I'm also incredibly grumpy.

Who knows... maybe I just need to get use to the rice. That sounds dumb.

I can't help but feel within myself, that I don't need to eat this much meat. I crave fresh vegetables, fruits, nuts and seeds. My body doesn't seem to want that though. I can't believe after 2 years on GAPS I am saying this. I feel like a sinner! Of course I will still eat protein every day in the form of animal flesh. Just less.. only 50-100g less. 

When I was eating I was thinking 'food combining wouldn't allow this'. Starch and protein? Woops. Is food combining even legit? Don't monks eat twice a day with meat and rice at every meal? 

Anyway, I'm getting my eyebrows threaded today.

We talked about the inner child today at college. It was interesting and refreshing. For a part of my assignment I have to record 3 self-criticisms I notice. How embarrassing! Oh well. I'll try to be honest..

It's hard to put in to words but is crystal clear in my head. I *know* I have the world at my fingertips if I want it. But that's it.. I feel intimidated and scared at what's out there so I guess I don't try 100% of the time to heal. Maybe because healing is hard.. and setbacks happen and it's hard to stay focused. I remembered when I was a child I often over reacted when I got sick as a way to get attention. I also remember getting the most attention when I was sick. Once when I was about 9 I had gastro and lost a lot of weight. I remember my dad pointing that out to me and saying it was 'amazing'. Maybe my anorexia stems a bit from this moment. Middle-child syndrome too?

That being said, I do try awfully hard to heal every day. I'm a perfectionist and even what I do every day isn't enough or 100%. I must let it what I do be ok.

I'm collecting my OAT sample on Wednesday morning. I wasn't LOD yday or much of last week infact. I had gelled broth and higher ox foods. My dumping stopped completely, which took a few days. But boy I felt better. Today was especially good. Yesterday wasn't too bad. I think it was because I took my Vit A supp yday and today. 10 000IU worth each day. I think I'll continue taking it at this dose. I read in the WAP book that it isn't toxic if from natural sources.

I'm thinking of starting to incorporate some organic soaked white rice in to my day. I know...GAPS taboo! BUT I feel like this is ok. Everyone's 'path' is different. My problem is not with candida. It is with oxalates and foods that aggravate my condition which flares candida. Rice was always ok for me. And it's low ox. I think my biggest pitfall when I ate a lot of rice and potatoes was more so the potato end. MASS amounts of them- homemade wedges, packaged crisps, mash, baked.... every day.
I figure if I eat the rice with the same amounts of fats, and less meat. I am OVER meat. I have allergies to white meats and eggs so I am dead sick of red meat at every meal, and it is most probably contributing to my oxalate problem because I'm eating too much meat to feel satisfied.

I'll try to eat more shellfish. For some weird reason I can tolerate shellfish fine. Crustacea is a bit iffy, I can get away with once a week but after that it's a bit uncomfortable.

I'm also eating swedes and don't have a problem with those either.

One thing I've noticed since moving back home is how incredibly anxious I am around my dad. He is unpredictable, moody, loud, aggressive and emotionally abusive. The way he snaps between moods makes me not ever want to be nice to him. Today I was reminded to remove my self emotionally from the situation when he gets like that. It feels impossible to do.

I feel unwell. It seems something has caused my body to take a battering and these binges are becoming impossible. Probably a good thing. But I am SO tired. I feel like I dump all the time now. When I eat oxalate foods, when I eat something that causes me to make endogenous oxalate...there is a brief period of feeling good, and then I dump..like an hour after eating the oxalate culprit.
I am so stressed living with my parents again. The binges are a coping mechanism.
Could it be the rise of B6 in my blood since taking 100mg? I just read about how if you cannot convert B6 in to active form, it just circulates in the blood..causing neuropathy and other symptoms. I always get numbness in my feet and legs, more noticeable when taking the B6.. But B6 causes me to dump too..? So shouldn't I be converting it if it's making me dump?

I don't know....it's all very complex. Too complex for the brain to even comprehend. The only way I will get an inkling of an idea is by trialling P5P, and my OAT results.

The other thing it could be is this house. I have felt more ill since moving here. But I started the 100mg B6 and moved at the exact same time. I did this because I thought I would need more B-vit support with the chemicals in the house and the mold.

Maybe the mold and chemicals are making me ill. Sounds like a no-brainer doesn't it?

I don't know what to do. Should I get the house tested for spores? More $$$ on a house I don't care for.

My mind was all over the place today. I felt like a junkie. I needed to be eating all the time. I drove to the shopping centre for more food, sat in the car and thought 'what the heck am I doing?' and drove back. What happens is- I eat foods that contain fibre, then I feel I must get the fibre 'out' because it's causing too much discomfort.. so I eat to 'push' it through. But lately it hasn't been coming through. It just sits there. It's an endless cycle. I want to just have an enema but our house is small and there are 4 of us here and having an enema in a house with one toilet where no one even knows what an enema is....is not going to work. So I have been trying to time it to have an enema after everyone goes to sleep. I think I will do one every night coming up. Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Tuesday night, after dad has gone to sleep. Mum comes home on Wednesday so I won't be doing them for quite some time after this. She is repulsed by them, and makes me feel very dirty for doing them.

Have had quite a few sharp headaches today too.

I binged today. And you know what? It's the best I've felt in WEEKS. I ate a lot of kabocha squash, peas, turnip, swede and yummy beef ribs where the tallow was actually YELLOW!
All my supps...

And we haven't even had dinner yet.

Last night I binged as well. But I was dumping horribly that day. And the pea fibre was causing massive discomfort and tension headache. Today, the headache is slight.. but I don't feel as crap. My digestion is SO affected by dumping.

My Fedex came for the OAT test. Which I'll send off on Monday. I'm so excited for the results. Hopefully it will tell me something I don't already know..
It is probably a good thing that I binged on oxalate foods today, since I'll still be dumping them on Monday..maybe not. I tend to dump real fast. My 'honeymood period' is like, 3 hours. lol. If not it will at least tell me I'm dumping endogenous oxalate.. I'll take my supps as normal, that way I'll know if I need more B6.

As much as I *hate* dumping, I love it too. The human body amazes me. Watching it dump oxalate is profound. The rashes on my ringers are already disappearing, my skin isn't sickly pale, my digestion is even coping better with fibre. When I eat LOD again tomorrow it will all return. And the turmoil begins again.

The carpets still stink. I hate this house. I don't even have a desk. I do my studies on my bed. The other day I ate about 2 cups of pumpkin, 2 swedes and a turnip in one sitting. The oxalate dumping the next day was intense. ARghhhh!!!! It's like my body absorbed every single little mcg of oxalate I ingest, and it's just a continual pattern of dump dump dump. It's like it NEVER STOPS!!!
Am I absorbing more since being in this smelly house when my body is in constant stress trying to detox chemicals?
The bloating today- also intense. Major fluid retention in the face. Headaches. This sucks. I want to live in a house where there is fresh air. Where I have a desk. Where my dad isn't a scary psycho. Is that too much to ask? Really?

I did not eat vegetables until dinner today. I felt a salicylate reaction all day. Weakness, tiredness, low blood sugar....I just *knew* it was sals. I think it has been a build up of zucchini, red peppers and then the olive oil tipped it over the edge. Anyway, my digestion was normal apart form bloating before a BM. For once no fluid retention. I came home and ate half a large turnip, a gem squash and about a cup of kabocha squash.
I switched rooms with my brother, had a coughing fit (so bad I almost threw up) and now I'm sitting here BLOATED, brain fog, tired. I am doing so poorly with vegetables. I think it is dumping though. My hands are quite cracked. I have red patches were my rings go. I got acne along my jawline where I always get it during dumps. Stools always have white dots and/or crystals. I am taking 100mg pyridoxine B6. I want to add some P5P. Maybe after next week when my assignments are all in. I will continue on the B6 until a lot of dumping has eased. I'm *hoping* once the dumping is gone I will digest better.
Really felt like binging today. Typical sal detox. I feel like eating. But I am so tired. My body is tired. I have to get up early tomorrow and go out tomorrow night. I have to write an essay tomorrow. I have to clean the house tomorrow to get ready for the cleaner..don't ask. I only want to eat because I am stressed again. So I won't eat. I'm not even hungry.

I feel shit.
I think it is a combination of oxalates, salicylates, the fact I had an epsom salt bath yesterday (?) and the chemical smell in my room that keeps me coughing all day and night.
I just want to cry. The past 2 days I have been building ikea furniture for this room. I spent $250 on it and wasted time/inhaled more irritants for nothing. I will have to ask my brother to swap rooms with me. I will have 0.2mm of space to move but that is too bad. At least I will be able to breathe. I think that is more important. I HATE living here. HATE. I am so angry at my mum for choosing this stupid house then leaving for Queensland for 3 weeks to leave me to deal with it AND my dad, brother and all 4 pets. I HAVE ENOUGH ON MY PLATE. I am so over renting shit houses. Why can't we just live in a decent house for once. WHY CAN'T THEY BUY A HOUSE? They are both on full-time wage with degree's! ARGH. And I binged today. I am so stressed. It's all too much.

COLD day. Windy. Gross.

Dumping all day. Bad digestion all day. Woke up with a terrible throat and cough. Went to yoga. Bought house plants (room still smells). Had lamb, turnip, capsicum and zucchini with lamb fat, meat broth and sea salt for B & L. Usual supps. For dinner I didn't feel like any more lamb. I went to the fish monger and splashed out. I got 6 mussells, 7 pippies and 4 oysters (all raw).
I have eaten oysters since starting GAPS, but not the others. They were delish. I steamed them until cooked and had them with lemon and sea salt. I had my usual veggies with lamb fat too. Digestion is still shocking. Weird bloating going on. The same bloating I get from crayfish. I think it is a healing reaction. I love seafood!!

I wrote a list of foods I want to start eating-

• ghee, coconut oil, olive oil, avocado oil and macadamia oil (all organic)
• different fermented veg- turnip, red pepper, bok choy leaves (maybe), ginger, lemon, whole herbs and spices (all organic)
• water kefir and coconut water kefir
• avocado's and broccoli
• different types of shellfish more often (oysters, clam, mollusc, marron, mussels, scallops, squid, crayfish) at least 1x a week!

Yuuuuuum. 

There is a lot going through my mind at the moment. Introducing new things, deficiencies, EMF exposure at work, need to get a new job, need to study, chemical smell in bedroom carpet, mold in the bathroom, cat allergies....(they are a few thoughts.)

I need to just calm down sometimes. I know I'm anxious when I start scraping my scalp and pulling out strands of hair.

Last night I went out to dinner with friends. I was planning on not eating anything but I skipped meat at dinner beforehand and felt like something. So me and my other friend went halves in a meal. We got grilled T-bone steak with wilted spinach, brocolli, green beans and roasted white skinned potatoes with a mushroom and red wine jus on the side. I gave my friend the spinach and green beans (oxalates), half the potatoes, half the steak and the jus. I love potato, so I had 2 small ones, even though they are high ox. I felt my joints in my wrists start hurting a few minutes after eating them. I also developed a need to cough, like something was irritating my throat. I think the steak had some honey on it, or maybe a sweet soy sauce..something sweet. Not having sugar for so long I can taste it from a mile away! There was also a sweet chilli type sauce around the outside of the plate and I'm sure I accidentally ingested some. Oh well. I lived. Then they went to get hot chocolates and I missed out. Annoying.. but again, I lived.

I stayed at my friends house. Her bed was uncomfortable, but I had an ok sleep and woke at 7.30am, rested enough.

I went to the farmers market and got probably 2 weeks worth of organic meat and some organic turnips for $70. Got some delicious looking T-bones with a huge hunk of fat on the side. YUM. Dinner for me and dad.

My throat has continued to be irritated all day. I cough every now and then. Maybe its the chemicals making their way out of my lungs? The smell seems to be faint in the house now. My room is still the worst. It'll disappear eventually...here's to hoping.

Surprisingly my digestion has been good today. I haven't had any noticeable bloating. I've taken all my supps. I've been sipping on tea- stinging nettle and chamomile. Some lemon juice added. I made organic turnip kraut with a slice of lemon. Today I've cooked everything just before I ate it (no refrigeration etc), which makes me dread amines or histamines since I've been ok today. I probably ate too much meat. I did have about 4 tablespoons of sauerkraut juice though.

I went for a fast walk around the block a few times.

I'm going to take more Niacin on days I work now. There is an awful lot of EMF's in my workplace. That stupid 3G signal strengthener they put in not long ago. I feel ill every time I work now. Fuzzy head/brain fog, bloating, loose stools. I need to work somewhere easier. I was thinking the markets near my new suburb. Way less EMF's and more fresh air!

I'm going to buy some plants for my room too. To help with the smell mostly. Spider plant, peace lily or cactus..? All 3? Change my room in to a jungle? lol

Introducing these items next
Organic home-made ghee
Organic coconut oil
Water Kefir

Which one first though??

The last few days have been very stressful. We moved house, and the house we moved in to is moldy and had a bad chemical smell from the carpet cleaning. ESPECIALLY in my room (how ironic). I've been staying at my friends house. Her mum is very understanding, because her brother has CFS and is very sensitive to molds and chemicals too.

I doubled my dose of B-complex and WOAH had the biggest oxalate dump today. I won't go in to details. That dump was induced by the B-complex I took last night and this morning and then at lunch after the dump I took another B-complex, so I'm dumping again! It's fascinating what happens during dumping.

I can deal with the symptoms (I can deal with a lot), so I'm going to continue at this dose until I feel I've reasonably dumped. I'm excited at the changes I'll see. What I'm worried about is this gross house. The carpets are getting hot water extracted tomorrow morning. I'll be here so I'll ask the man to go over it until the smell is GONE! As for the mold, my mum is going on holiday for 3 weeks so I'll be in charge of contacting the real estate agent. I'll try on Friday and every day after that until they fix the leak in the bathroom. I will be the most annoying tenant ever :)

I'm trying to stay positive in hoping that in the summer any mold wont be able to survive since it gets so hot here. Then we will move. Or I will move when my friends can move out.

Anyway must run. Going to my friends house and out to see some other friends.

I feel I need to get over the fact the cat is living here. If I am being honest, I like the cat. He's cute, and he's also my phone's wallpaper lol. My throat is getting sore, and my nostrils are closing up. Could be the cat, could be because I'm dumping oxalate AGAIN. Does it ever stop?? I told mum I would like it if he wasn't allowed in the loungeroom, that way I can actually sit on the couch without reacting. She said she's happy with that. Don't know how long it'll last. Might just buy a tv for my room.
I figure I am reacting to him the same way I react to walking down a dusty road, unintentionally ingesting mold, and petting rabbits. There is a REASON for this. Is it a B6 deficiency? Should I start taking P5P? Will see when the OAT results get back!

Today I felt quite ill at some points. I think it could be the smell from the carpet cleaning. The room has been airing out for 2 days now, and the smell is only JUST dissipating. Mum came down with a migraine too. I felt mostly nauseous, not hungry, heavy arms, weakness etc... it lifted as quickly as it came. In other news, I am hungry again!
I also took 1tsp of CLO today. I missed yday's dose. It was good. I felt like I needed it. Also had an epsom salt bath but didn't use too much salts (maybe half a cup?). Last time I had a ES bath I had a CFS 'relapse' the next day, but it's hard to say if that was from gluten contamination or chemical overload from henna-ing my hair the day before..

Anyway, another busy-ish day tomorrow of study and other tid bits.

We are keeping the cat. I didn't even bother discussing it with my mum. We are keeping it, end of discussion. This just means I will yet again become a recluse in my own home. Sticking to my bedroom, washing my hands every half hour and never sitting on the couch. Yippee.

I don't want to be here. It feels like my only friend in this house is my body. My dad has already asked me several times if I still 'eat weird'. I want to live ALONE. This house is old and run down too. It's a bad environment. Everything feels off. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Today could be going better.
I am moving house. I am pretty angry because my sister said she would take her cat which I am very allergic to (she dumped it on my parents) and I told mum I would only move home if the cat goes. Well turns out my sister has left another problem in the hands of my parents and won't take the cat. So it has literally turned in to one of those 'it's me or the cat' situations. I refuse to live with it. My mum has been hesitant to bring it up with me because she knows how I'll react, so she hasn't even discussed it yet, but I am moving all my stuff to the house now. It is a waste of my time if I have to move it all there and discover they are keeping the cat, then move it all back.

I am really bloated right now. I was actually not bloated at all this morning, but now I look 6 months pregnant. Could be the fibre from the capsicum...My head is fuzzy, I am tired..it is more likely oxalate. I had insomnia last night (didn't sleep until 2am), dumped oxalate late in the evening then my heart was thumping away and my body was lethargic. I then became very hungry. Typical oxalate.

Oh another thing- they cleaned the carpets in the house we're moving in to so the whole house smells of chemicals. GREAT. I felt sick when I was moving my stuff in and my neck glands were swelling up. This does not look like it's going to be a pleasant experience.

Today I'm feeling a bit off. Yesterday I felt really good. This is typical of chronic fatigue (which I barely have). I think I went a bit hard in yoga last night. At the end we did a back bend pose and I could feel my kidneys getting squeezed and hurting. I also didn't retain water yesterday, and I felt like I saw my 'true weight', which I am happy with. Today I'm back to being puffy and woke up lethargic.

Meals are mostly lamb/beef which have been cooked in water for 3 or so hours. I usually throw a few fresh herbs (mint, oregano, sage…anything I have) and a few garlic cloves in (which I strain out). This is my meat broth and that usually lasts 2 days. I let the broth cool in the fridge then take the hard fat off and put it in jars in the freezer for cooking later. The meat has soft fatty tissues on it so I don't usually add extra fat unless I'm cooking with mince, having some fish, steak or baking veggies. I will add extra fat when I can tolerate it better- dumping oxalate greatly impairs fat absorption for me and having too much makes me feel unwell.

TriEnza is a GODSEND! I have been eating different kinds of veggies now. I am partially ignoring salicylates for now, I feel too deprived and depressed if I'm only eating 4 different foods! So I'm having some peeled zucchini, peeled capsicum, small amounts of cauliflower, turnips, chayote/choko, marrows and garlic (infused- not the fibre) depending on what I can find. Before it was just marrow and turnips. I will probably bring back kabocha squash and butternut squash when I am in better control of binges, and spaghetti squash when in season. I might have a rule that I only have butternut or kabocha when mum or dad are cooking it for their own dinner. Then I won't feel like I'm always saying 'no thanks' when they ask if they can cook something for me. 

I am moving back with my parents tomorrow. I've barely packed but it shouldn't take too long. I hope I get a sunny room to make study enjoyable. I hope even more that  I can put up with my father. I've loved living alone and have learnt a lot about myself. I've learnt about my reactions to other people and most importantly my pattern of thinking and how I get stuck in a 'rut' of unreasonable negative thoughts. ("I hate this I hate that"). I've also realised the core reason for my binges being mostly about deprivation. Binges do not get me anywhere-only set me back. I hope I remember all this when I'm feeling a binge coming on. Lots of hoping going on here!

Today was ok. I woke up later than usual- 9:30am. On the days I take B6 and start dumping.. I always have short vivid dreams close to waking up.

I had B, then went to work. I was not in a bad mood. I felt quite good, but I had a few too many grouchy customers and I became agitated and annoyed at every customer after that. Some people are so rude. I'm SO glad I'm only working 2 days a week now.

I had L at work which I took in my thermos. I came home and had D and then dumped some more oxalate (I won't elaborate). Had some ginger and lemon tea...then after an hour or so became extremely hungry and had to have a 2nd D, which was quite a lot of lamb from the soup yday, and more turnip and zucchini with melted tallow and lots of sea salt.

Eating more than I 'planned' is hard. It stems from the anorexia. I still feel I need to regain some routine and control over my eating. But after the 2nd D, I stopped. I didn't keep eating and have a big binge.

Tomorrow I have uni early. I am getting tired *shiners* now, and my forehead is getting fuzzy. I know I am dumping more oxalate (hence the extreme hunger earlier tonight). Anyway..continuing on my way. Tomorrow I am going to yoga at 8.15 and I hope we do some meditation because I don't think I'll fit it in in the morning.

This morning I meditated few a little while (maybe 10 minutes). I dry skin brushed after a shower. I went to uni. The weather was HORRIBLE! Rain rain rain. But no wind- so I wasn't that annoyed. Wind pisses me off BIG TIME. I would rather a horrible rainy day than a sunny windy day.

Uni. Oh my God. I LOVE what I am doing. It is everything I hoped of and more. I am going to learn so much about myself, others, how to treat people (in and outside the clinic), the universe, mind, body and soul. I have to stop myself from getting too excited!

I have eaten 3 times today. I broke my rule which I forgot about- no eating at computer. I ate B & L at the table, but was doing uni work and sorting out swapping tickets for a night out with some random guy and I needed to be at the computer to converse, and I was damn hungry.

Today I have been in a pretty bad mood, but haven't had to talk to anyone so it hasn't really shown! I only realised when I got a phone call and really didn't feel like talking to anyone. I have had red/blue 'shiners' under my eyes, and could not stop yawning at uni (even though I was really listening!), bloated all day etc. Dumping oxalates does this.

I stuck with all my supplements, foods and probiotics/enzymes. It is Day 1. Hopefully in the future it will become 2nd nature and I won't have to think about everything so much. I am quite tired. My macbook keeps making funny noises which are irritating me. I'm taking it in next Wednesday for them to have a look at. It's probably nothing but I want to do it before the warranty is up.