We talked about the inner child today at college. It was interesting and refreshing. For a part of my assignment I have to record 3 self-criticisms I notice. How embarrassing! Oh well. I'll try to be honest..

It's hard to put in to words but is crystal clear in my head. I *know* I have the world at my fingertips if I want it. But that's it.. I feel intimidated and scared at what's out there so I guess I don't try 100% of the time to heal. Maybe because healing is hard.. and setbacks happen and it's hard to stay focused. I remembered when I was a child I often over reacted when I got sick as a way to get attention. I also remember getting the most attention when I was sick. Once when I was about 9 I had gastro and lost a lot of weight. I remember my dad pointing that out to me and saying it was 'amazing'. Maybe my anorexia stems a bit from this moment. Middle-child syndrome too?

That being said, I do try awfully hard to heal every day. I'm a perfectionist and even what I do every day isn't enough or 100%. I must let it what I do be ok.

I'm collecting my OAT sample on Wednesday morning. I wasn't LOD yday or much of last week infact. I had gelled broth and higher ox foods. My dumping stopped completely, which took a few days. But boy I felt better. Today was especially good. Yesterday wasn't too bad. I think it was because I took my Vit A supp yday and today. 10 000IU worth each day. I think I'll continue taking it at this dose. I read in the WAP book that it isn't toxic if from natural sources.

I'm thinking of starting to incorporate some organic soaked white rice in to my day. I know...GAPS taboo! BUT I feel like this is ok. Everyone's 'path' is different. My problem is not with candida. It is with oxalates and foods that aggravate my condition which flares candida. Rice was always ok for me. And it's low ox. I think my biggest pitfall when I ate a lot of rice and potatoes was more so the potato end. MASS amounts of them- homemade wedges, packaged crisps, mash, baked.... every day.
I figure if I eat the rice with the same amounts of fats, and less meat. I am OVER meat. I have allergies to white meats and eggs so I am dead sick of red meat at every meal, and it is most probably contributing to my oxalate problem because I'm eating too much meat to feel satisfied.

I'll try to eat more shellfish. For some weird reason I can tolerate shellfish fine. Crustacea is a bit iffy, I can get away with once a week but after that it's a bit uncomfortable.

I'm also eating swedes and don't have a problem with those either.

One thing I've noticed since moving back home is how incredibly anxious I am around my dad. He is unpredictable, moody, loud, aggressive and emotionally abusive. The way he snaps between moods makes me not ever want to be nice to him. Today I was reminded to remove my self emotionally from the situation when he gets like that. It feels impossible to do.